If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize