My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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