i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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