soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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