can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
