i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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