I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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