I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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