Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
