I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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