Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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