no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I touched a dick in church today
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
