So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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