My friends, they love my intelligence
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
