why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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