You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
