dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
