I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
