I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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