So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
