He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
BRING THE BAGELS
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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