I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
