She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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