she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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