i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
