I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
