can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
