Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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