Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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