I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
