The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
