Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
