Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
