you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
