I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
