Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
