I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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