So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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