She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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