So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
