I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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