my phone needs a breathalizer
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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