my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
