Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i just had sex bonerless
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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