Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
