So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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