I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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