u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
They took my balls.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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