The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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