I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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