sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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