Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
