Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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