If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
