dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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