I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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